You looked different tonight. The same features softened into something I hadn’t fully seen before. I caught you off guard tonight. My same company switched into something you hadn’t fully felt before. The candle between us flickered and the murmurs of the room faded with every raw sentiment that left our mouths. It was nice, it was awkward, it was freeing, it was sad.
We held each other’s gaze for two hours, only looking away to keep the tears from escaping our eyes. I told you that I was struggling. You told me you never knew what I was thinking. I told you that I’d been confused. You told me that you’d been honest. I told you that you were inconsistent. You told me that I was distant. I told you I was sorry. You told me you were sorry. I told you that, of course, I’d thought about it. You told me that you’d always think about it. I asked how we’d still be friends. You promised that we’d always be friends.
I didn’t know if I believed you, but in that moment, it would have been too painful to question.
The space between us closed in. We hugged for longer than we ever had. There’s an irony to feeling more connected after establishing that you’re disconnected. Walking back, I could have held onto your arm for an eternity. As if in protest, both of my hands gripped onto yours and you reached back for mine in intervals. Just enough and not too much. Wanting you, within the declaring of not, contradicted my emotions in a way that I don’t have the words for. Late that night, I thought about you. Late that night, I wondered if you thought about me too. I knew it didn’t make sense to hope that you were – but nothing about this night made much sense to me at all; the eerily silent pub. The clumsy conversation. The nostalgia of us before. The sigh of us now. I didn’t say enough yet I felt like I said too much. You told me that I was exciting. I told you that I tried to not be inviting. But that sometimes, more than I care to admit, I wish that I could be.
You looked different tonight. The same features softened into something I hadn’t fully seen before. I caught you off guard tonight. My same company eased and crumbled into something you hadn’t fully felt before. The candle between us burnt out and the murmurs of the room faded with the closing sentiment that left our mouths. It was intimate, it was awkward, it was final, it was sad.